I’m going to be real honest. The past few months I have felt like a total fraud. Emotionally, I have not been in the best place. The roller coaster ride is real and I have been riding every high and every low, letting my emotions control my life.
Let me back up. We are quickly approaching a season of life that we have waited and prayed so long for. The anticipation, nervousness, excitement and fear has all been very present. It’s like all the progress we had made was ripped to pieces and we were back at square one. So many days I have found myself starring in the mirror asking myself why I am not walking the walk. For two years, I have shared all about how God has put the pieces of my heart back together. But the second things get rocky again, my strength was shattered. So, I have been digging deep to figure out where exactly my foundation was built. Was it on myself or was it on the one true Rock?
First, I am learning in a whole new way just how much we are created for community. Blake just took a new job that is an hour from our house. It’s a really exciting season for us because his dreams are finally coming to fruition. In a few months, he will begin the journey of being a Varsity Basketball coach for the first time. With that comes so many nerves, self-doubt, worrying if you will measure up and questioning if this move was the right decision. Even though the school is far from our house, I pushed him to take the job because it is his dream. He has wanted to be a varsity coach for so long and it finally happened. Opportunities like this don’t come around that often. But, as supportive as I am, it has without a doubt been one of the hardest seasons of my life. It’s a smaller school so every coach is required to coach at least two sports. So, Blake has been helping out with Varsity Football as well which has been such a demanding schedule. He gets home between 8-10PM every night and has coaching meetings all day Sunday. Saturdays are our only day to be together. If I am being honest, it hasn’t been fun at all. I have felt more alone than ever before. He has always had long hours, but never like this.
Thankfully, Jesus knows exactly what we need at the right time. I posted a few weeks ago on Instagram about missing my hubby and so many sweet coach’s wives reached out. They encouraged me to come to a Bible study in Auburn that is specifically for Coach’s wives. I just started going three weeks ago and it has been the biggest blessing. I am really not good about putting myself out there because so often these groups feel like a first date. You dress up, put make up on and hope that they will like you. Exhausting right? But, I felt so at home the second I walked in. It is exactly what my heart needs right now. Community and women that will look deep into my heart and make sure I am ok.
If you are like me, I tend to pour myself into work and hibernate alone when things get hard. Facing people is such a huge part of the battle. Because people can see your heart and will force you outside of your shell. But deep down I craved the accountability and friends that would dig deep. That would look me in the eyes and ask if I am really ok. You see, we weren’t created to be alone. And Satan uses those moments when you feel most alone to attack. My friend Tiffany challenged me to step out of my comfort zone, to surround myself with women that would pray over me weekly and to chase after Jesus in a big sort of way in this time. And I can say that the anxiety and uneasiness in my spirit is starting to fade.
Secondly, I am learning that so much of the way I have approached my walk with the Lord and His Word is backwards. I have been reading the first two chapters of Jen Wilkin’s book called Women of the Word and it has rocked my world. She challenges your whole approach to the Bible. If you haven’t read it, I would strongly recommend it. Here are some of my takeaways:
- The Bible is not about me. So often, we approach Scripture to solve a problem in our lives or to reveal who we are. But the Bible is about God and who He is. We need to be approaching Scripture with the mindset of learning about God, not about ourselves. Instead of seeking answers about who we are, we should dig deep into who God is and in that searching we will find ourselves.
- To fully have a relationship with God, we have to be learners and studiers of His Word. We have to let the mind lead the heart. Instead of letting our feelings dictate our lives, we must let Truth fill our minds and then lead our hearts. So often as women, we ride the roller coaster of emotions and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have allowed the ups and downs to control my joy, my contentment, my relationships, etc.
I feel like my efforts of spending time in the Word have been so misplaced lately. So often, it is more about me and less about God. My intentions are pure, but my approach has been all wrong. Can you relate?
I am on a quest to intently study who God is. I want to learn more about Him and let that shape my life. Are you with me? If you want to join us, we will be studying the book of Romans all year. We are working through Tim Keller’s books and I will be sharing bits and pieces along the way. I would love for ya’ll to join us!
Let’s change our focus. Let’s ditch the pity parties. Let’s tear down the walls of our hearts. Let’s surround ourselves with friends that will dig deep. Let’s pray for each other. And let’s be focused on our mission to make Jesus known. Less of me and more of Him.
Lots of love,